Libertine: On the Prowl
Vidi, vici, veni -- I saw, I conquered, I came. _______________________________________________________________
A Lethal Bomb
This past Tuesday, West Viriginia police officer T.E. Parsons brought a suspect to the police station for a breathalyzer test.During the course of the test, the suspect, Jose Cruz, allegedly farted and made fanning motions, directing the stink toward the officer. Officer Parsons then charged Cruz with battery.
Kanawha County Magistrate Jack Pauley signed a motion to dismiss the charge Thursday.
Better watch out! Those fart blossom mushroom clouds can be deadly!
Voldemort/Umbridge 2008?
A few days ago, I wrote a post comparing Sarah Palin to Peggy Hill. While listening to her acceptance speech at the Republican convention the other night, her tone of voice and simpering little laugh immediately reminded me of another fictional character, one far less benign than Peggy Hill.Save for the lack of a British accent, Sarah Palin reminded me strongly of Delores Umbridge, the evil witch who takes over Hogwarts in the movie, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix".
It seems as if I wasn't alone making this connection. Someone on Facebook did a comparison of the two women, which I've reproduced below:
The similarities are astounding. Here's a few:
1. Palin has enjoyed a meteoric rise to the center of politics. Umbridge, likewise, came from nowhere to take over Hogwarts.
2. They resemble toads, wear glasses, and have an affinity for all things pink.
3. Both like censorship. Umbridge censored using wands and having fun, and Palin tried to censor certain books in a public library that were against her morals (bizarre because Palin was a communications major -- turncoat!).
4. Both were selected to high posts by really old dudes. Come to think of it, McCain might even be Cornelius Fudge...hmmm...
5. They both have acidic personalities--either agree with them or leave. Umbridge polarized Hogwarts while Palin, upon being elected mayor of tiny Wasilla, Alaska, asked a bunch of her staff to resign if they supported the former mayor.
6. Both ignore obvious problems. Umbridge ignored the constant evidence that Voldemort was returning to power, whereas Palin ignores the fact that her daughter is living proof that abstinence-only education is retarded.
7. Both have a tendency of being wicked with a sunny disposition. Umbridge, among other things, make Harry scar himself with pointless discipline, with a smile, while Palin is willing to send our troops to die for an unjust cause, with a smile (idea compliments of Charles Mitchell).
The list can go on, and I'm sure over time it will. But the fact is that we as a country are seriously considering a Fudge/Umbridge--I mean, McCain/Palin ticket.
Actually, I'd say a Voldemort/Umbridge ticket, if the pictures I posted the other day comparing McCain and Voldemort are any indication.
Man Executes Lawn Mower
A couple of weeks ago, an intoxicated man in Milwaukee shot his lawn mower because it wouldn't start.A neighbor called the police and the man was charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed.
After his arrest, the man told the police, "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."
While this was a stupid thing for him to do, I have to admit that I fully understand how he felt and where he was coming from when he executed the errant Lawn Boy. Any of us who've ever owned a balky lawn mower can identify with him to some point.
Of course, with me, it's computers that get me to feeling homicidal (cybercidal?) more often than lawn mowers.
Photo of the Day
Dobson's Perfect Candidate
Several months ago, Focus on the Family's James Dobson blasted John McCain for being insufficiently conservative and vowed not to vote in November if he happened to be the Republican nominee.More recently, he condemned Barack Obama for his inclusive vision of Christianity, accusing him of "distorting" the Bible. "I think he's deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own world view, his own confused theology," Dobson said. Apparently the concepts of feeding the hungry, clothing the poor, caring for the sick, and blessed are the peacemakers are not in Dobson's Bible.
Dobson's statements and actions this year clearly show just how extreme and out of touch he is with mainstream America, both liberal and conservative.
The Daily Kos metioned someone that would be more in line with Dobson's values if he were a candidate, but apparently Lord Voldemort might even be too liberal for Dobson, as he's apparently endorsed McCain ;-): Voldemort (R) officially endorses McCain
As seen on the back of Dobson's car:
More Funny Bumper Stickers
A Big Truck Is No Substitute For Proper GenitaliaConstipated People Don't Give a Crap
Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
If You Don't Believe in Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant
To All You Virgins: Thanks for Nothing
If you can read this it's not foggy, turn off your damn fog lamps
Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
Impotence: Nature's Way of Saying 'No Hard Feelings'
I Have the Body of a God: Buddha
I FOUND JESUS -- He was behind the sofa the whole time.
Illiterate? Write For Help
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle)
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Where there's a will..I want to be in it.
HONK ... If You Want To See My Finger
Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you..
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Focus on your own damn family!
Save Gas.... Fart in a bottle
Hot or Sexy
This woman is hot.
This woman is sexy.
This woman is hot AND sexy.
Any questions?
Best Bumper Stickers of 2008
1. Bush: End of an Error2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock - Only Dumber
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Jail to the Chief
14. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap
16. Bad President! No Banana
17. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
18. We're making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them
19. Is It Vietnam Yet?
20. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
21. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We in This Handbasket?
22. You elected him. You Deserve Him.
24. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
25. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
26. One Nation under Clod
27. At Least Nixon had the decency to Resign
One of My Worst Faults, Illustrated
Below is a funny illustration of one of my worst faults. I challenge readers to find a picture that depicts one of their worst faults.
Tacky Tattoos
Following is a collection of tacky tattoos for your shuddering pleasure:
All I can say is that I'm glad I wasn't the tattoo artist for any of these creations.
Taking Things Too Literally
I'm worn out from last night, too tired to write, so I leave you with a bit of humor.
Photo Caption Contest.
In light of my previous entry, I thought I'd submit this photo to reader-generated captions. Submit your caption in the comment box below. The winner doesn't get anything but appreciation, however.
Photo of the Day
Movies Names That Sound Like You're Taking A Dump
I laughed my ass off while reading this list. I hope you do, too.Operation Dumbo Drop
The Remains of the Day
The Running Man
Lord of the Flies
Days of Thunder
Splash
Loose Cannons
The Milagro Beanfield Wars
The Fast and The Furious
MASH
Cheaper by the Dozen
Deep Impact
The Happy Ending
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Midnight Run
Reign of Fire
The Great Escape
Dirty Work
Mission Impossible
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
Drop Zone
Night Shift
Naked Gun 2: The Smell of Fear
Like Water for Chocolate
Blazing Saddles
Sweet Smell Of Success
Bring it On
Meltdown
It Happened One Night
Easy Come, Easy Go
A Fine Mess
The Harder They Fall
The Big Shot
The Longest Day
The Big Squeeze
Blast from the Past
You Can't Take It With You
Waiting to Exhale
Gone With the Wind
Dirty Dancing
The Sound of Music
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
Cannonball Run
If These walls Could Talk
Any Which Way You Can
Some Like It Hot
Joe Versus the Volcano
Goodbye, Mr. Chips
Bringing Down The House
In The Line Of Fire
Something's Gotta Give
A Mighty Wind
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Dirty Harry
Sudden Impact
The Cable Guy
Dr. Doolittle
The Human Stain
The Dirty Dozen
Some Came Running
Internal Affairs
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Fire Down Below
Winnie the Pooh's Grand Adventure
Scent of a Woman
Looking for Mister Goodbar
Hope Floats
The Vanishing
Still Breathing
Firestarter
Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed
Big Business
Final Destination
Something Wicked This Way Comes
Mean Streak
Foul Play
Stand and Deliver
Fudge
Pests in Public
I've written a few times about how I handle people who ring my doorbell uninvited, especially those selling religion door-to-door.But I don't think I've covered what I do when approached by people in public, such as at the mall, who are selling things, religion, or who want me to take some sort of inane survey.
It's quite simple. I do the "Helen Keller routine". That is, I play deaf, dumb, and blind. I keep on walking and give absolutely no indication that I heard them, saw them, or are even aware of their existence. I figure that with this type of cold selling, there's no point in giving them even the tiniest of openings.
Some of them don't get it, though. I've had some of them to follow me for quite awhile, bleating, "Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!"
It never works, however. The more insistent they are at catching my attention, the more I am obdurately determined to ignore them. I especially relish doing this to those losers who try to bum a cigarette off me in a parking lot. I can't be bothered to tell them I don't smoke.
How about you? How do you handle annoyances of this type?
Illustrated Idioms
English is a language rich with idiomatic, or slang, expressions. Following are some illustrations for a few common idioms in English. Guess what they are in the comment box.1.
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8.
Science Fiction Cliches
Following is a list of cliches we've all see in science fiction:After being removed from a place/artifact that prevents aging, the character's biological progress attains unbelievable speed and he grows old quickly.
All Aliens seem to understand human body language (ex shaking head), despite that even humans sometimes have difficulties comprehending the non-verbal communication when confronted with foreign cultures.
When ships lights on fire, the flames are visible in outerspace, even though there's no oxygen.
After a ship blows up its debris scatter, but don't damage any other ship despite being large and traveling at high velocities.
When a laser misses in space, it ends abruptly instead of continuing to go through space until it hits something else.
The entire Alien Species is united under a single ruler/ruling body, not having been divided into different countries or territories.
Post-cataclysmic rag-tag armies struggle to survive against gangs of bandits, mutants, cyberpunks, bikers, etc.
The Good Guys travel through time to stop a historical Bad Guy, usually Hitler.
Aliens travel a zillion miles to loot the earth of resources which exist in far greater and much more easily exploitable quantities on the many uninhabited bodies they pass on the way to earth.
Brain-controlling parasites attempt to wrest control of human race.
A great hunter decides that humans are the most entertaining prey of all, and visits Earth to bag a few.
The bureaucratic/reactionary mindset stands in the way of scientific progress. A researcher overcomes it through ability, purity of heart, and use of the scientific method. Or not.
A human male becomes pregnant.
An android discovers emotions and loses control.
Humans are seen as a menace to galactic society, having developed technology over a few short centuries compared with the thousands it took the other races.
Aliens whose thinking is so different from ours that no communication is possible.
Alien races that find our women attractive, while we find theirs to be repulsive.
Alien races who differ from us only in skin color and/or facial features.
Alien races whose names all have lots of hard consonants.
Lots of apostrophes are packed into alien words and phrases for no apparent reason.
Humans of future have no ethnic, religious, cultural, philosophical or political variance.
Planets with the same exact climate planet-wide (planets without atmosphere excepted).
Can you name a few of your favorites?
Cat Bath
You suck!
You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.
Go fuck yourself!
I don't think I like you anymore.
Caption Contest
Let's see who can come up with the funniest caption for the photo below:
Predictable Reaction
Did a herd of locusts hit the supermarket?
No, we finally had some snow, and a herd of lemmings rushed to the store to get milk and bread. I don't get it -- why does snow make people suddenly get a taste for milk and bread? And why just plain bread with nothing to put on it? I don't think a milk sandwich will taste very good.
I can see wanting to stock up on food if you're running low, but I don't see why it always has to be milk and bread. People are so damned predictable.
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